It always bugs me that when I tell people how I didn't have friends in school and that I was picked on a lot that they would have been my friend. It's not that I doubt their good intentions, but I know what I was like, I know what school was like, and I know how kids can be. They can be downright cruel.
I went to school with the same people from age 6 up to 10th grade and then I transferred. The bullying started in kindergarten and never stopped. Not even after I transferred.
At age 3 and 4 when I was in preschool I didn't know how to be involved with the other kids. I didn't know how to play with them and make friends. I was shy and apprehensive. I still am.
I had my locker glued shut, gum put on my seat, I was called names, I had my pencils stolen, and no one wanted to play with me. My mom described me as a lone wolf in 2nd grade. I never really understood what she meant until now.
I have always been outcast, sometimes of my own doing, sometimes because of other people, and sometimes just my perception.
I probably wouldn't have been my friend. When going to the only school in a small town, who wants to be friends with the kid nobody likes? The weird one that always sits alone. The one that no one wants to play with.
Some kids, when bullied and picked on, it makes them tougher, stronger, better able to deal with the stuff life throws at them. It makes them survivors. Other kids just get beat down. Had cyberbullying existed then I probably would have been mercilessly.
I was overtly sexual at a very young age. I learned quickly that sex sells and if I let boys touch me or fuck me they'd be nice to me or pay attention to me. It was the only way I could feel connected, wanted, needed, even loved, even if it was someone I didn't want.
A lot of times when first meeting people I come off as easy or like I just want to get fucked. With total lack of subtlety I go for it. Because it's what I've trained myself to do. It's what I've made myself believe is the way I should be. Because it's the only thing I know how to do to get people to like me. Even if it's only for a little while.
This journal is probably the most open about myself that I am. The closest I get to revealing how I feel. And what I feel is hurt and alone and unimportant.
My computer died.
I've lost everything.
I now have a functional computer, but I had to put in a different hard drive and reinstall windows.
All of my files are gone. Questionable if they can be recovered.
I think I'm still in shock? Disbelief? I can't decide.
As a result I have done NOTHING in terms of art. I've sort of come to a standstill.
Start a new job monday. Temporary, 2 months. I am not at all excited about it. It's a call center, but it's money, and we're strapped in a bad way. Something is better than nothing.
Fortunately we qualify like woah for foodstamps, so I've applied. Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes through without any problems. Might even be able to get energy assistance. Also win. (I didn't think we did qualify, but I was calculating wrong. D'oh!)
Apparently Tuesday is Valentine's day. I am full of meh. We don't celebrate. At all. I don't even go for the cheap candy the next day. I just don't care, and yet I'm seriously annoyed when it comes to other people celebrating. Why? Why do you want to spend assinine amounts of money on overpriced things? Roses and chocolates are nearly doubled in price. Same with some restaurants, serving valentine's day specific meals marked up like crazy. Seriously. Pointless. I think I dislike valentine's day more than I dislike columbus day.
Tuesday is also my bar night. It's the one night a week I can go out and stay out as late as I want with no questions or explanations. It's my night to myself to be out and about. I go to our local bar, the dart team, bartenders, and a few other locals know me now. Which is cool. I like that. Problem is, I'm broke. And all my friends are doing something for valentine's day, so none of them can come with me. I don't mind going to the bar alone, but how weird does it look to go by yourself with no money? Tuesdays aren't usually all that busy. There's usually a dart game going on, so it's steady, and I could just stand around and watch that. But does not drinking get looked down on? I feel like it would be weird. In another two weeks I'll have money and will be able to take my own self out no problem. But until then, I have the problem of no money, and the very very very strong desire to go to the bar.
In your opinion, would it be weird to go to the bar alone without buying drinks? On a slow night? Where the locals know you-ish?
With my new Studio Office set up I get 2-4 hours of sketch time, minimum, per day. Though I'm not coming up with many ideas that lend themselves to final versions, it is keeping the creative juices flowing and I am creating. That is the important thing.
Looking forward to working more with watercolor, just need some ideas. There's a few here and there, but nothing concrete.
I also have a couple of lino blocks. Need ideas for those.
Also some canvas board. I had a vague surrealist idea, but I don't know if I'm going to run with that one or not.
I'm running out of room in my sketchbook. Hours of drawing has begun to rapidly fill it up. It's almost time to invest in another sketchbook.
Foreshortening hates me. So do figures. And perspective. I am terrible at all of them. Must practice. Maybe look up tips and tutorials for them.
I do have figure books that I have been using as reference. They are great for practice since I don't have the use of a live model. Also an excellent reference for pose ideas, and one is entirely images of moving figures. Which is brilliant, as you can't get dancing and jumping and spinning from a live model.
Just watched True Grit. The remake. I really liked it. Wade has declared it wasn't a bad movie. Now I need to go and watch the original. It's been so long since I've seen it, I don't recall most of it. Just the epic shoot out towards the end.
That is all.
For a little while I was SUPER inspired. I was pulling sketches out of my head and coming up with neat-o ideas.
Then this week, not so much. I have managed to get myself into a brainfried funk. The kind where all you feel capable of doing is watching tv and eating cheeto's. Or some variation.
I tried starting a few projects, got barely into them and promptly decided that the whole thing was horrible and terrible and so it all got scrapped.
I spent the better part of the last 2 days sleeping. I hadn't meant to, but it was my own fault for crawling back into bed after getting Connor off to school. When I finally did crawl out of bed it was to play video games or watch netflix or some other brain frying activity.
It's not as though I don't have anything I could be doing. I have a project I could (and should!) be working on. I also could be writing more for my graphic novel. (I've actually got some neat ideas for it now, finally.) Or I could be sketching. Just practicing and getting my ideas onto paper. My sketchbook isn't for final projects, it's for ideas and practice. I'm particularly terrible at figure drawing, so I REALLY need to work on that, especially if I'm to be illustrating my own graphic novel. I really need to begin to develop my own sort of style, in whatever medium.
I was talking to one of my bestest friends yesterday and she told me about a good friend of hers who is an artist and recently had a show and how she had made "months worth of rent" by selling 15 paintings. How much would I love to do that? Even just to have a show at all, or to be featured in a gallery. I just don't have any sort of cohesive body of work. Of course I get both inspired and intimidated by other artists work, and the feeling that I'm simply "not good enough, nor ever will be" sets in. And so I just don't bother trying a lot of times.
It is frustrating.
However, last night I DID spend a couple of hours at my drawing table and did a few sketches, so that was good. So long as I spend a couple hours a day sketching or drawing, that is the most important thing. That is how I will get better and more confident.
I'm strongly considering doing life modeling for university art classes. I don't know if they are particular about body shape and size, though typically we always had skinny models. From what I've heard it pays decent enough that I could do it a few times a week and be okay. I've also heard that it is not exactly easy, as you have to hold positions for long periods of time. I'd probably do well to practice sitting still for 30 minutes at a time. Also holding multiple positions for one minute at a time. I think I'm going to seriously look into this, I just need to know where to start.
Tuesday I tested out ToR on Wade's account. I kind of like it. I made a Twi'lek Smuggler. She's kind of a bitch. I managed to get halfway-ish through level 7 in a couple of hours. I'm allowed to play while Wade isn't here, which is most week days. I've decided that I'll give it 6 months. If I have consistently played and managed to get my character(s) to max level or close to, then I will consider purchasing it for myself. I told this to Wade and he said it was a waste of time because I would have put all that effort in and would then have to start over. I pointed out how I tend to be with games, I play for a little while and then lose interest quickly, and then my playing becomes sporadic. It's why it takes me FOREVER to finish a game and why Wade has only ever witnessed me finishing ONE game. He said he'd rather it be a waste of time than a waste of money. I said "duh."
Monday Connor was home from school with a bad asthma attack. He needed his inhaler every 2 hours, then at 5am in the morning his inhaler ran out. THANK GOD we have a 24 hour cvs pharmacy. 6am I called them and ordered a refill and 20 minutes later we had a brand new inhaler. Since he was still wheezing at 7 and 8 Wade insisted we keep him home. I'm pretty sure it's because the house got all smoked up while Traci and I were making dinner Sunday that aggravated it. He's fine now, so that's good.